personal blog.

More than ever, I need all the guidance and support I can get. Please help me get through this difficult time. Please help me make the right decisions. I’m in the darkest place right now, and my heart and mind can’t bear anymore. I’m confused, angry, sad, depressed, but most of all, I’m lost. I have lost sight of who I am because of all these uncontrollable emotions that is buried on top of me. I’m trapped, and it’s getting harder and harder to breathe.

I thought I was fine, telling myself to “fake it ‘til I make it”, but I guess I’m in a bigger trouble than what I had anticipated. I didn’t know that the weight carried by my chest can ever drop me down to the ground. I thought I was stronger than this. I guess I lost all of that strength when I started depending on someone else for my happiness. Because I definitely lost that too. There’s a fine line between being genuinely happy and.. just having moments of happiness. I mean, I still find myself laughing and smiling at pointless things but, at the end of the day, I realize more and more that I’m not okay.

So when can I really know what to do? How do I get out of this? How do I choose to let go of something that only brings me misery? How do I choose to let go of something that brings me the only slightest bit of happiness in my life? How do I learn to keep trusting someone who has proven to me multiple times that he cannot be trusted? How do I keep forgiving someone who never keeps his word?

I try to be fair. I try to be forgiving. I keep on wondering what I did to deserve something like this. I am no where near perfect and i do screw up, but it seems like my “punishments” are out of boundaries. I mean, feeling like this?! No one even notices how difficult it is to feel how I feel every single day. It never ends, and I’m really, really hurting.
Please save me. Please help me find myself again. Please help me feel happy again. I am exhausted, basically every hour of every day. I don’t know what to do anymore. I can’t take it. Please give me the strength to let go of those who need to be let go and forgive those who need to be forgiven. I need directions. Please don’t let me go through this by myself. I’m scared. Scared that I may actually, one day, do what I’ve been extremely tempted to do for the past couple of weeks now. Please help me. I can’t do this alone.

This is not what it’s suppose to feel like. This is not what it felt like. I don’t remember when it wasn’t like this, but I know there must’ve been a time that it wasn’t or I wouldn’t still be here after so long. Every single day feels longer than the one before. Every single night ends with a tear. And just as I think everything will be okay again, another disappointment from you or me sneaks up and ruin everything.

This so bittersweet. I don’t know how my grade 12 year would have been like without you guys. I never knew a class could get so close, but it happened. The talent that each and every single one of these people have amazes me. I know you’ll all do great things in the future. It was honestly such a huge pleasure singing with all of you. Thanks for the memories. I love you guys. 

#Choirfreaks

Don’t you forget that. Thick or thin, we’ve gotten this far. I really didn’t think I would keep going back to you. Even us lasting this far blows my mind. I know we’ve passed through moments of tears, anger, pain and even hatred but look at us now. I am so glad that you’re in my life. I am so glad we get to feel hopelessly in love again. No not again- more than ever. Especially now that things are tough for the both of us, it proves that we’re REALLY willing to put effort into our “relationship”. No more of that “words but never action” bullshit because for once, we actually do show it.

I’d literally do anything for you. I know you’ve been dealing with so much shit from home and it becomes unbearable for you at times but please, I’m always here. I mean it. Every suicidal thing that you say hurts me so much and I can never look past any of it or think of it as a joke because I know you’re struggling. I hurts me seeing you like that. It scares me more than you could ever imagine. I get so paranoid every time you take longer than usual to reply. I know it may get annoying at times but I can’t help it. I guess no one can really understand until it happens to them but it’s fucking painful to hear a boyfriend say that. Painful because of the thought of you being gone from my life. Painful because I can’t do anything to turn it around. Painful because I constantly feel like a failure for being unable to keep you happy. It’s my JOB to keep you happy. It fucking sucks to hear you say that because it fucking sucks knowing that I’m not enough. Sure, you say you’re still here BECAUSE of me but if I was really enough, I’d be able to make you happy. Trust me when I say that I would do ANYTHING for you. Please, please let me help you and listen to everything that I have to say. Every bitter day that you have to go through, I’d be by your side. Please know that I can’t even imagine living a world without you in it. You affect every fiber in my body.

I know that your restricted from every single thing that brings you happiness but that would never ever stop me. I would never stop finding ways to make you laugh and smile and talk you out of bad situations. I want to be your backbone, as you are mine. I’m here to support you in any way that I can.

Now that things are finally good between us, it sucks that other things around us have to get in the way but don’t worry one bit because I won’t let anything take it away again. I love you with all my heart. 

It’s 1:08 right now, so I’m over an hour late but earlier, being June 2, it’s suppose to be our 1 and a half year of being together. We’re not official right now, but whatever, I’m counting it. Happy 1 year and 6 months babe. MANY more will come. I know it.

You’re a fucking asshole and I’ve been dealing with this shit for too long. I fucking hate that I actually care about you, because you’re honestly not even worth it. You don’t appreciate me at all. I know I could do better and ironically, you can’t. You’re way too lucky to actually have me, yet you treat me like this? Ha, you’re a dumbass. You’re fucking loss if you do lose me because no other girl would want to put up with your stupidity. I hate you so fucking much and I know that I’m only wasting my time. So, desperately fix it now because I sure as hell won’t. 

One day, I’ll be gone.
Not just gone from your life,
But..
Gone.

Maybe sooner than later,
Because
No matter if you believe me
Or not,
I’m actually thinking about doing it.

Almost all the time, I feel like I bother you. It fucking sucks because you tell me how much you miss me all the time and how badly you want to be with me. But when the time comes and you have the choice to either spend time with me or some other thing, I’d be second. Of course I want you to do your thing and have fun out there, but there’s never time for me.

I feel like an idiot being so damn needy. Especially when you clearly don’t want the same thing. This hurts me so much, and I’ve been putting you first for so long. Crying every night is a tradition for me now and you don’t do shit about it. Whatever I say, you interpret it in the wrong way and get mad. No matter how much I say sorry and try to fix things, all you’d want to do is end the conversation. You know that this hurts me. You said you’d change.

I don’t know what to do anymore. I love you too fucking much and I’m losing my worth. Why does it have to get to the point where I pray to stop how I feel? I actually hate this. I hate loving you. I’m not even happy anymore, but I can’t fucking be away from you. Just please, please make this feeling go away. It’s torturing me.

I deserve someone who puts in the same effort as I do. Someone out there would see my value and will hate himself if I ever feel this way again. Why am I even putting myself through this? It fucking hurts.

Hoping that you’d change is getting way too old. Day by day, fight by fight, that hope fades away. You don’t show any effort at all. If you really love me, like the way you say you do, it’d kill you to hurt me. You’d do anything to make me happy. You’d put me first. But I’ve got to stick to the facts and straight up realize that you don’t. No matter who’s fault it is, you always win.

themed by coryjohnny for tumblr