personal blog.

That in my time of need, you can’t even sacrifice a few minutes of sleep to be there for me. At this point, the hope for a change in you is shattered. I’m completely disappointed. I believed in you and I’ve been trying so hard not to let it bother me anymore. I guess this is, yet again, another night for me to sleep in tears.

It.
Seriously.
Fucking.
Sucks.

Bitch, you don’t phase me.

An identical face
stares right back.
Full of flaws
so perfect in clarity.
Layer by layer, they get hidden.
Until appears
a rose as cheeks and
dark wings as eyes.
Only then shall I get
the slightest glimpse of “beauty”.

I’ve always been unsure of my feelings towards you, but I seem to never be satisfied with whatever we are.

When you’re not here, every cell in my entire body screams your name. The hair on my skin stands up, trying to reach you and every nerve on the tips on my skin craves your touch. My ears crave your voice, especially hearing how much you’ve missed me too. My eyes want to see nothing else but your smile and the look on your face when you see me after a long day from work. My brain endlessly shows me nothing but day dreams of us that I’ve planned, hoping that it’ll turn into a reality one day. I crave you, as much as a fish craves water after being out of it on a burning hot summer day. I miss you, everyday, every minute and every second.

But when we finally decide to be together and after all the magic from the desperate cravings, we look for and question the littlest things about each other. Things that we swore we’d look past just so we could be with each other. I know we both can’t help it because what’s important to you may be something that I don’t acquire. Or something that I hate the most can be something that you acquire. It’s not our faults, but that just makes things a million times more difficult. Honestly, you know what I can’t stand. You know how vulnerable I get at night and how that’s when I need you the most. But you not being able to function normally while you’re tired conflicts everything. I have no idea if this is something I can look past forever, but I can’t stand not being with you.

No matter what the future holds for us, I still and will always care about you. I will always love you and I expect us to never lose connection. For now, I need this. I want this. I want you. I like what we have and if we keep worrying about the future and sacrifice everything we have for something that may or may not happen then we’re clearly not on the same page. I mean, that’s ridiculous. You know that what we have is special, no matter how messed up it may be to other people’s eyes. I don’t want to let it go. At least not right now and who knows, maybe not ever. I’m just unsure of what will happen. I can never promise you something I can’t keep, but why do we have to worry about that right now when we’re both incredibly happy with what we have? I hope if this does work out, we’d find ways to fix each other up for the other person. Being inlove is about sacrifices right? But then again, am I inlove with you or am I just used to you?

I can’t really tell.

I’ve never really been completely satisfied with my physical appearance. Honestly, not at all. I don’t find myself “pretty” or “beautiful”, no matter how many times I try to convince turn my mindset around. Make up doesn’t help sometimes. If anything, it makes me even more conscious of how I look. Sure, there are times when I feel decent, but at end of the day, it’s never enough. I don’t even understand the compliments I get sometimes, but I always just accept them. People would just assume that I’m “fishing for compliments” if I don’t. I always have to try a lot harder than everyone else just to look presentable. It even gets to the point where I find it quite difficult to maintain eye contact with people due to my lack of confidence. I can’t even talk about my looks without feeling disgusted. Looking at a mirror is embarrassing when I’m not alone. All that fills my mind is the paranoia of them judging me and seeing my flaws. Despite all the kind words people have given me, all it takes is one single nasty word to bring me down. And over just a couple of seconds, I’d believe them. I just honestly hate the way I look.

I just proved it to myself. I knew that if I don’t apologize or even start the conversation first, we’d never talk. You always say I’m wrong and that you “were planning to message me before I did it first”, but that’s complete bullshit and I should’ve realized it earlier. No matter how many times you screwed me over, it was one of my priorities to keep you around, but do you even deserve it? I don’t know what that’s doing to me. I feel like I slap myself in the face everytime I forgive you. I let your mistakes go without you even understanding how I feel. I did my part with trying to change for the better but you’re not doing yours. You’re taking advantage of me. Of my trust and forgiveness.

I don’t know how long I could hold it out for, but I need to respect myself enough to not apologize first this time. As much as I want us to be the best of friends again, I’m exhausted from the one sided effort and the unkept promises. All I can really do is to wait until I can’t wait anymore. Please prove me wrong for once. Please mean what you say. I’ve always counted on you but with time, that’ll fade. Please don’t let that happen.

I want to be able to look at someone and say “that’s my whole world”. I want someone to look at me and think “no other girl can compare”. I want to be able to love someone enough that I will gladly sacrifice everything that I have for him without even hesitating, and know he’d do the same. The kind of love that my friends would be sick of hearing about, because I wouldn’t be able to stop talking about it. The kind of love that isn’t perfect.. which makes it perfect. 

Someone out there is walking in this planet right now who will someday cross paths with me and make this “idea of being in love” a reality. Right now, experiencing things that I will hear about later on. This someone is the guy who I’d be sure about. He wouldn’t save me from my darkest hours, instead, he would hold my hand and go through them with me. He would be my definition of “home”.

I never wanted perfect, or expect it. That’s not enough for me. I want someone who’s imperfections fit perfectly with mine. I want this person to know what darkness is, and sees me as the light. I want this person to satisfy every part of me just by being the way he is. Physically, sexually, mentally and emotionally.

I would find him the cutest of them all despite his rough skin on his legs and his chipped tooth. His dimples would sink in as he smiles and just that would make me jittery with butterflies. His voice would make all the stress leave my body because the tone melts perfectly into my ears. I would go crazy every time he lends me his shirt, because it would smell just like him. Like his hugs and cuddles on dark, rainy days.

His touch would make me shiver and I would lose my breath. Every craving, he would satisfy highly, way over my expectations. My insecurities would disappear because every blemish, scar and birth mark, he would love. We would be able to whisper dirty things in each other’s ears, because that’s how comfortably we feel around each other. We would laugh when we’re not doing it right and try again. It would feel too genuine to be wrong.

He wouldn’t know exactly what is going on in my head but he would know I’m not okay just by looking into my eyes. He wouldn’t know right away the reason for my emotions but he would know exactly how to reverse it. His words would seem like it is always in perfect order. Enough to get me to feel better. He would enjoy listening to my vulnerable mind spill at 3 in the morning, because it is the greatest story book he’s ever heard of. He would tell me things that he has kept hidden in the deepest corners of his heart because he trusts me that much. Sleep would come second when he knows that things aren’t okay. 

This kind of love is my idea of what it’s like to be in love. 

And how I wish I could get even just a glimpse of it.

Either way, I’ll be fine. I can’t say that we both didn’t try to make it work, because we really did. A door closes and another one opens. Maybe losing you will lead to something good.
I can’t keep letting people in just so they can destroy me. No, not destroy me- make me destroy myself. I’ve never understood why everyone has a hard time with trust, but now I do. I’ve always found it easy to accept it when people walk away, but not with you. I actually believed you when you said you were different.
Even though I couldn’t acquire the same feelings that you had for me, keeping you in my life was so important. I love you and I care so much about you, but I was never in love with you.. and that put such a big strain in your heart. I’m sorry that I couldn’t feel how you wanted me to, but that’s not my fault. I understand why you needed space, but I was just scared. I am afraid that the scars from my past will be a blueprint to my future. I don’t need to repeat it. I don’t want you to leave.
Whether you really are gone for good or you’re coming back, either way, I’ll deal with it as it comes. I’ll be okay in the end. I always do turn out okay.
But if this is good bye, I want you to know that I’ll be fine and I hope that you will be as well. Thanks for everything, and I’m sorry that it couldn’t work out.

I love you, and good luck with everything.

They say time heals all wounds.. but time goes by so slow. I can’t wait ‘til the day I wake up not feeling like this anymore. I don’t know how much more I can take. It hurts knowing that the only thing that can immediately stop the pain is the same thing that can drag it longer. I’m caught up between what I want and what is good for me. There have been too many times today where I almost gave into temptations. I don’t even know how I’m still holding up.

I really am trying my best to distract myself from the annoying itch inside of me. But I can’t. Every minute I think I’m finally okay, all it takes is just one thought and it rewinds all over again. I can’t stop wondering how you’re feeling. I hope you’re doing better than me, because it really is hell right now. Although I have a million things to be happy about.. I don’t know. I just can’t. But I’m trying.

I’m holding up a good front though. Seems like everyone thinks I have it all together. At least I’m proud of that.

What’s worse than sleeping with all the hurt digging through my chest is waking up in the morning feeling the exact same way. The sky-high expectations that fills me drops down to the ground as I see nothing but disappointments. The lingering hope that maybe you have it in you to at least leave a meaningful apology that would have reversed what happened last night is crushed. But I take all the blame for that. It is my mistake for expecting even the littlest from you.

themed by coryjohnny for tumblr