I want to be able to look at someone and say “that’s my whole world”. I want someone to look at me and think “no other girl can compare”. I want to be able to love someone enough that I will gladly sacrifice everything that I have for him without even hesitating, and know he’d do the same. The kind of love that my friends would be sick of hearing about, because I wouldn’t be able to stop talking about it. The kind of love that isn’t perfect.. which makes it perfect.
Someone out there is walking in this planet right now who will someday cross paths with me and make this “idea of being in love” a reality. Right now, experiencing things that I will hear about later on. This someone is the guy who I’d be sure about. He wouldn’t save me from my darkest hours, instead, he would hold my hand and go through them with me. He would be my definition of “home”.
I never wanted perfect, or expect it. That’s not enough for me. I want someone who’s imperfections fit perfectly with mine. I want this person to know what darkness is, and sees me as the light. I want this person to satisfy every part of me just by being the way he is. Physically, sexually, mentally and emotionally.
I would find him the cutest of them all despite his rough skin on his legs and his chipped tooth. His dimples would sink in as he smiles and just that would make me jittery with butterflies. His voice would make all the stress leave my body because the tone melts perfectly into my ears. I would go crazy every time he lends me his shirt, because it would smell just like him. Like his hugs and cuddles on dark, rainy days.
His touch would make me shiver and I would lose my breath. Every craving, he would satisfy highly, way over my expectations. My insecurities would disappear because every blemish, scar and birth mark, he would love. We would be able to whisper dirty things in each other’s ears, because that’s how comfortably we feel around each other. We would laugh when we’re not doing it right and try again. It would feel too genuine to be wrong.
He wouldn’t know exactly what is going on in my head but he would know I’m not okay just by looking into my eyes. He wouldn’t know right away the reason for my emotions but he would know exactly how to reverse it. His words would seem like it is always in perfect order. Enough to get me to feel better. He would enjoy listening to my vulnerable mind spill at 3 in the morning, because it is the greatest story book he’s ever heard of. He would tell me things that he has kept hidden in the deepest corners of his heart because he trusts me that much. Sleep would come second when he knows that things aren’t okay.
This kind of love is my idea of what it’s like to be in love.
And how I wish I could get even just a glimpse of it.
Either way, I’ll be fine. I can’t say that we both didn’t try to make it work, because we really did. A door closes and another one opens. Maybe losing you will lead to something good.
I can’t keep letting people in just so they can destroy me. No, not destroy me- make me destroy myself. I’ve never understood why everyone has a hard time with trust, but now I do. I’ve always found it easy to accept it when people walk away, but not with you. I actually believed you when you said you were different.
Even though I couldn’t acquire the same feelings that you had for me, keeping you in my life was so important. I love you and I care so much about you, but I was never in love with you.. and that put such a big strain in your heart. I’m sorry that I couldn’t feel how you wanted me to, but that’s not my fault. I understand why you needed space, but I was just scared. I am afraid that the scars from my past will be a blueprint to my future. I don’t need to repeat it. I don’t want you to leave.
Whether you really are gone for good or you’re coming back, either way, I’ll deal with it as it comes. I’ll be okay in the end. I always do turn out okay.
But if this is good bye, I want you to know that I’ll be fine and I hope that you will be as well. Thanks for everything, and I’m sorry that it couldn’t work out.
I love you, and good luck with everything.
They say time heals all wounds.. but time goes by so slow. I can’t wait ‘til the day I wake up not feeling like this anymore. I don’t know how much more I can take. It hurts knowing that the only thing that can immediately stop the pain is the same thing that can drag it longer. I’m caught up between what I want and what is good for me. There have been too many times today where I almost gave into temptations. I don’t even know how I’m still holding up.
I really am trying my best to distract myself from the annoying itch inside of me. But I can’t. Every minute I think I’m finally okay, all it takes is just one thought and it rewinds all over again. I can’t stop wondering how you’re feeling. I hope you’re doing better than me, because it really is hell right now. Although I have a million things to be happy about.. I don’t know. I just can’t. But I’m trying.
I’m holding up a good front though. Seems like everyone thinks I have it all together. At least I’m proud of that.
What’s worse than sleeping with all the hurt digging through my chest is waking up in the morning feeling the exact same way. The sky-high expectations that fills me drops down to the ground as I see nothing but disappointments. The lingering hope that maybe you have it in you to at least leave a meaningful apology that would have reversed what happened last night is crushed. But I take all the blame for that. It is my mistake for expecting even the littlest from you.
Someday, someone out there would love me more than anyone has ever loved me. He would say that nothing else matters as much as my happiness, and mean it. He would do anything just to prove his words are true. He would still see beauty in me after I’ve spent hours crying. He would give up his sleep despite his exhaustion just to get me to smile again, because nothing brings him greater joy than to see me crawl out the darkness. He would make sure that I sleep with the heavy load in my chest gone. He would understand that every bitter word that comes out of my mouth is due to anger and pain. He would listen to those words the most, because he knows that behind all that hurt is just a girl who needs saving. He would understand and fix his mistakes. He would show me that I am worth it. That I’m actually worth something.
Someday, that someone will come.
And I will no longer have to live with this pain that you put me through on a daily basis ever again.
My idea of what is best for me is misunderstood even by myself. I didn’t think that I was the type who “likes what I can’t have”, but maybe I am. Or maybe it’s not even you. Maybe it’s just my loneliness taking over. Whatever it is, I feel incredibly stupid for feeling like complete shit every time I have to go a day without talking to you. What’s worst is that this cycle is happening again without the slightest warning. Literally, within a couple hours, everything changed and I had no idea why. The tired, hurt and miserable girl inside of me blames myself for this. I knew what we were doing- being friends.. but more- would back fire, yet I let it happen anyway. Honestly, I thought it’d hurt you rather than me. I should’ve seen that coming. I thought my feelings were gone, giving me an advantage over you.. I really didn’t expect yours to be gone so quickly as well.
Another part of me also blames you for it. Though it may not be true, maybe you set this whole thing up to hurt me the way I hurt you. Whether you intended it or not, I deserve it. It just sucks that you left me without even the littlest explanation. Ha, you really got me there. Props to you for showing me that pain that you had to go through.
I feel lonely. As if something inside of me is struggling to roam free, just so I wouldn’t be alone anymore. I want to cry, but I can’t. I have to prove to myself that this is for the better. Most of the time it is, but not tonight. Tonight, my mind is eating me alive. It’s that feeling of being terrified in the dark with thoughts of all these ghosts and monsters, but all there is to do is to wait until morning. Although I’ve been doing such a great job trying to be strong about everything that is happening in my life, nights like these still kill me.
Sometimes, I wish I’d never fallen inlove with you. Maybe then it wouldn’t hurt so much. Nights like these make me remember how it was like to have my heart ripped up and torn to pieces. The only thing is.. it never ends. As if someone’s hitting rewind and play over and over again, and I’m left here feeling the same pain everytime. If I can just have one last moment with you, I would spend every second of it spilling the words that I’ve been avoiding since the day I lost you. I would admit to you that I haven’t had a single day without you on my mind. And how I wished everyday could be easier. I would tell you that even when I fell inlove with someone else, I never fell out of love with you. I know that it may not seem like it, but even just hearing your name breaks me. It’s confusing and fairly difficult, I know, but what can I do? Believe me that if there is such thing as shutting feelings off, I would. My undying feelings for you. I want them gone. I often wonder how you did it. How you loved me so much, but in a blink of an eye.. it was just gone. Evaporated into tiny pieces up in the air where it can never be found again. I just don’t understand how one day, we were both so madly inlove.. In a way, it feels like it never even happened in the first place. But there’s always that one vivid feeling, reminding me how real it was. I just can’t believe that here I am now, more than a year later, still thinking of the same things. Well honestly, I can’t help it. I’ve been broken ever since.
If there’s one thing you need to know about me, when you make a promise, I expect you to keep it. That’s the whole point of it. Living in a world where no one takes promises seriously anymore, I should’ve known that I was bound to get hurt from the beginning.
I don’t even remember how it got to this point. All I know is that I’m not happy anymore. Not like before. I can’t tell whether it was all of a sudden or so gradually that I didn’t even notice my life shifting. Where are all the people that used to be around me all the time? Why don’t anyone hit me up anymore? Is it me?
I know that I have the answer but I can’t help but force myself to find another possible explanation to why things are turning out the way they are. It’s so stupid really. As if I’m trying to prove to a genius that 1+1 isn’t 2.
I hate myself for being such an outcast. An alien to this world. I’m not like everyone else and I can’t find any positive thing to say about that. I hate it here. I’m sick of the same disappointments I call people and all of the bundled up feelings clumped in my chest. It’s so real that I can physically feel all the weight that I’m dragging when I deeply breathe in and out. I’ve been wanting a change for too long and it still isn’t here yet.
I’ve been trying and trying and trying but a person can only try for so long until you reach a breaking point. Right now, it feels like that’s where I am. I’m exhausted. I don’t want to try anymore. It’s hard to, especially when it’s carved in my head that disappointment is what’s going to be there when I get to the finish line.
I just.. I really hate myself and no one’s here to tell me otherwise.