From now on, I won’t let myself be vulnerable towards someone who doesn’t even trust that we’ll last. I will learn to sleep alone, to stop waiting and to put myself before anyone else.
I’ve always thought that that was not the way to love and I still don’t, but it’s easier I guess. It was stupid of me to think that giving my all wouldn’t result in any consequences. I thought it meant true love, but who am I kidding. More and more I’m starting to think that’s just a tale for little girls. I’m smarter now, more mature to know that love should never come before anything else. Unless of course, you’re looking for a way to really hurt yourself.
“No one will love you until you learn to love yourself” is an easy enough phrase to believe is true. But it’s terrifying, especially when you have depression. What if you never learn? As a teenager, it made me fear for my life as an adult. I was certain I would never be capable of being in a relationship, but I was very wrong. Honestly, I do not like myself very much, and in August of 2013, a boy fell very, very much in love with me.
I have dealt with depression for as long as I can remember. I’ve been on and off medications, been to therapy, but it’s still alive and well, comfortable in its home in my bones. I can feel it every day, a tiny inkling that causes breathtaking emotional pain at the most inconvenient of times.
My depression doesn’t care that I am in a relationship with a boy who makes me laugh, tells me I’m beautiful 20 times a day, and cares more deeply for me than any other boy has. I am grateful for the nights he holds me while I cry for hours for no reason. I am thankful that he puts up with my random periods of irritability. He constantly attempts to comfort me if I am suddenly uncomfortable when we’re out in public. He fills me with hope for the future when I lead myself down the darkest of paths, plays with my hair when I’m having trouble sleeping, and encourages me to eat when I have no appetite. He takes care of me and I never even had to explain myself. I still consciously think to myself, nine months into this relationship, “Wow, someone is in love with me.” I often think about how lucky I am to be loved, regardless of my flaws in chemistry.
This intense love is frightening, because every day, I fear that one more thing will push him over the edge. That one more time of me rolling over in bed, teary-eyed, for no reason, could push him away. I know it upsets him, and I reassure him through my salty, blurred vision that it’s not his fault. I am often overcome with guilt and I hate that my feelings about myself cause any pain on his part. Sometimes he is not easily convinced, but I try as hard as I can with the little energy I have. Some of our nights end in a tight hug and an “I’m sorry” mumbled from my lips, but I’m just thankful that he is still happy to wake up to me every morning.
Every day is a struggle. I am constantly on edge, going back and forth between caring too much and not caring at all, wondering when he will have enough. He is quick to remind me how much he loves me, but I am just as quick to be overcome with crippling doubt. We both know that this is how forever will be, and if he hasn’t given up yet, I’m certain that he is 100% all in.
Never let anyone tell you that you are not worth being loved if you don’t love yourself. Never let anyone tell you that your mental illness is the reason why you are not in a relationship. Never let anyone tell you that you should smile more, fix your hair, or wear more color. Never let anyone makes you feel bad about what you can’t always control.
Someone will be in love with you regardless of your most comfortable state, and if that happens to be curled up on the floor of your room, crying as you listen to your favorite sad songs, then you have found true love.
Those are your exact words.
The unexplainable explosion of feelings I felt when I received that text.. well.. is unexplainable.
Now, it’s the same..
But completely different.
I mean, being with someone for a little over a year and eight months should make you less doubtful and more trusting. Well, that’s what I was.
And because of that,
I’m now shattered.
Now broken by the words that I believed in so long only to find out that they were meaningless.
I continued to be naive because I thought maybe if I kept looking past all of the signs warning me that you’d repeat the things that hurt me the most, then I would be surprised by my knight in shining armour.
But that false hope made it sting a lot more.
Because of you, hearing the words “I love you” pulls down on my chest and tightens my throat.
You made me scared of those who make promises, since now I know it means they won’t be kept.
You made the good things that every other person crave to hear do the opposite to me.
I broke my rules for you. I broke myself for you.
All because I loved you.
In a way that you will never understand.
More than ever, I need all the guidance and support I can get. Please help me get through this difficult time. Please help me make the right decisions. I’m in the darkest place right now, and my heart and mind can’t bear anymore. I’m confused, angry, sad, depressed, but most of all, I’m lost. I have lost sight of who I am because of all these uncontrollable emotions that is buried on top of me. I’m trapped, and it’s getting harder and harder to breathe.
I thought I was fine, telling myself to “fake it ‘til I make it”, but I guess I’m in a bigger trouble than what I had anticipated. I didn’t know that the weight carried by my chest can ever drop me down to the ground. I thought I was stronger than this. I guess I lost all of that strength when I started depending on someone else for my happiness. Because I definitely lost that too. There’s a fine line between being genuinely happy and.. just having moments of happiness. I mean, I still find myself laughing and smiling at pointless things but, at the end of the day, I realize more and more that I’m not okay.
So when can I really know what to do? How do I get out of this? How do I choose to let go of something that only brings me misery? How do I choose to let go of something that brings me the only slightest bit of happiness in my life? How do I learn to keep trusting someone who has proven to me multiple times that he cannot be trusted? How do I keep forgiving someone who never keeps his word?
I try to be fair. I try to be forgiving. I keep on wondering what I did to deserve something like this. I am no where near perfect and i do screw up, but it seems like my “punishments” are out of boundaries. I mean, feeling like this?! No one even notices how difficult it is to feel how I feel every single day. It never ends, and I’m really, really hurting.
Please save me. Please help me find myself again. Please help me feel happy again. I am exhausted, basically every hour of every day. I don’t know what to do anymore. I can’t take it. Please give me the strength to let go of those who need to be let go and forgive those who need to be forgiven. I need directions. Please don’t let me go through this by myself. I’m scared. Scared that I may actually, one day, do what I’ve been extremely tempted to do for the past couple of weeks now. Please help me. I can’t do this alone.
This is not what it’s suppose to feel like. This is not what it felt like. I don’t remember when it wasn’t like this, but I know there must’ve been a time that it wasn’t or I wouldn’t still be here after so long. Every single day feels longer than the one before. Every single night ends with a tear. And just as I think everything will be okay again, another disappointment from you or me sneaks up and ruin everything.
This so bittersweet. I don’t know how my grade 12 year would have been like without you guys. I never knew a class could get so close, but it happened. The talent that each and every single one of these people have amazes me. I know you’ll all do great things in the future. It was honestly such a huge pleasure singing with all of you. Thanks for the memories. I love you guys.
Don’t you forget that. Thick or thin, we’ve gotten this far. I really didn’t think I would keep going back to you. Even us lasting this far blows my mind. I know we’ve passed through moments of tears, anger, pain and even hatred but look at us now. I am so glad that you’re in my life. I am so glad we get to feel hopelessly in love again. No not again- more than ever. Especially now that things are tough for the both of us, it proves that we’re REALLY willing to put effort into our “relationship”. No more of that “words but never action” bullshit because for once, we actually do show it.
I’d literally do anything for you. I know you’ve been dealing with so much shit from home and it becomes unbearable for you at times but please, I’m always here. I mean it. Every suicidal thing that you say hurts me so much and I can never look past any of it or think of it as a joke because I know you’re struggling. I hurts me seeing you like that. It scares me more than you could ever imagine. I get so paranoid every time you take longer than usual to reply. I know it may get annoying at times but I can’t help it. I guess no one can really understand until it happens to them but it’s fucking painful to hear a boyfriend say that. Painful because of the thought of you being gone from my life. Painful because I can’t do anything to turn it around. Painful because I constantly feel like a failure for being unable to keep you happy. It’s my JOB to keep you happy. It fucking sucks to hear you say that because it fucking sucks knowing that I’m not enough. Sure, you say you’re still here BECAUSE of me but if I was really enough, I’d be able to make you happy. Trust me when I say that I would do ANYTHING for you. Please, please let me help you and listen to everything that I have to say. Every bitter day that you have to go through, I’d be by your side. Please know that I can’t even imagine living a world without you in it. You affect every fiber in my body.
I know that your restricted from every single thing that brings you happiness but that would never ever stop me. I would never stop finding ways to make you laugh and smile and talk you out of bad situations. I want to be your backbone, as you are mine. I’m here to support you in any way that I can.
Now that things are finally good between us, it sucks that other things around us have to get in the way but don’t worry one bit because I won’t let anything take it away again. I love you with all my heart.
It’s 1:08 right now, so I’m over an hour late but earlier, being June 2, it’s suppose to be our 1 and a half year of being together. We’re not official right now, but whatever, I’m counting it. Happy 1 year and 6 months babe. MANY more will come. I know it.
You’re a fucking asshole and I’ve been dealing with this shit for too long. I fucking hate that I actually care about you, because you’re honestly not even worth it. You don’t appreciate me at all. I know I could do better and ironically, you can’t. You’re way too lucky to actually have me, yet you treat me like this? Ha, you’re a dumbass. You’re fucking loss if you do lose me because no other girl would want to put up with your stupidity. I hate you so fucking much and I know that I’m only wasting my time. So, desperately fix it now because I sure as hell won’t.
One day, I’ll be gone.
Not just gone from your life,
Maybe sooner than later,
No matter if you believe me
I’m actually thinking about doing it.